Tuesday, October 4, 2016
Today's My Style File has turned into something that I was not expecting it to be. I want to put this out there, so that it kind-of makes sense as to why I'm talking about this issue and have images of myself scattered throughout the paragraphs. I'm definitely sure that it's for the better, but it caught me way off guard when I was coming up with the original idea for today's outfit. Original theme: bare shoulders. New theme: Overcoming a major body image issue. Drastically different, right? If you follow me on Instagram, I posted a sneak peek yesterday and it inspired me to change all of the original copy I had written.

I'll just put it out there - I do have severe body image issues. Always have, always will(?) I guess that you would call that body dysmorphia? I don't want to necessarily say that I do have it because I've never been clinically diagnosed, but I would say that I do have some of the symptoms. It stems from a lot of taunting and abuse that has come externally in the past, but more often than not it is internally and how I see myself every single day. It's not been so bad as I've gotten older and realized that this is the only body that I have and I should appreciate it, but it kind-of came to a head last Friday before I was going to get these photos done. Anger, frustration, sadness, anxiousness - all these emotions happened within 5 minutes. Why all of these in such a short matter of time?
You may be wondering the answer, but I wouldn't be able to truly give it to you. Your guess is literally as good as mine. I put the dress on, with the appropriate undergarments, and looked at myself in the mirror and absolutely HATED what I saw. "That dress looks horrible on you! Why would you think it'd be okay to go out in public thinking that you look okay?" It wasn't even the dress itself, which is so beautiful on its own, but just how I saw myself in it. The dress, which I had very luckily won from a Eloquii Instagram contest, is something that I would not necessarily ever purchase for myself and I think having the chance to break out of my comfort zone was something I wasn't ready for. The anxiousness of being judged by others was the only thought in the front of my mind, but then an unsurprising source of comfort and positivity broke through those thoughts. My mom.

Yes, it's true. She broke through those negative thoughts, with her kindness and truthfulness to let me get another perspective on how I saw myself in the mirror. I was able to take a few deep breaths, get a hug from her, put on my makeup and see myself through another lense. In just a matter of minutes, my thoughts shifted to positive reinforcement. Her words helped me realize that what I see isn't always necessarily what other people see, and I need to uplift myself instead of drag myself down. This may all seem like I overreacted a little bit, which I kind-of did, but look at all of what it made me realize! The girl in the past who would get taunted + bullied about her weight and how she looked, can now step out of her comfort zone and realize that it's going to be okay. She should be able to love her body no matter what, while still realizing somethings do need to change, but that it will happen when it's supposed to happen. That girl can look at these photos and see a tiny glimmer of someone who is beautiful in her own way.
 Let me ask you - what makes you feel beautiful in your own way?
Photos by Jill Merkel
Mostly Lisa

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