MY STYLE FILE: A LIFE IN REFLECTION

Tuesday, May 23, 2017
I know, I know.. it's been a LONG time since I last blogged. A lot of different things have been happening in my life lately, so I have not had time to sit down and come up with anything interesting to say. With that though, this post is going to be a little different.I figured I'd actually take the time to do the sitting and writing and share with everyone what has been going on. Hopefully this will shed some light on why I've been absent.

First off, I FINALLY got a new job! It's still beyond crazy that I can actually say that now, the wait and the determination to find something outside of what I was doing was very arduous. To be honest, I was becoming extremely depressed and anxious that I was never going to be good enough for anything else besides the part-time position I was in. Don't get me wrong, what I was doing was absolutely amazing (being part of the social media team for the biggest Mall in America, WHAT?) and it was my first career job that I had out of college, but it had begun to drain me of my motivation, passion, and energy to keep going. After two years of learning about myself, what else I could picture myself doing in my future and having it culminate to something better, is nothing I take lightly. We all have our own path, whether we like it or not, and my path has steered me in directions that I haven't always necessarily enjoyed. Thankfully, this new course has led me into a full-time internship within the same company I was working at previously and it's been an absolute joy. It's given me new motivation in myself, and hopefully, what my future will look like after the internship is done.

All of this being said, the past two weeks have been emotionally draining for me. My depression has literally been kicking me in the ass, and I'm so upset that it's still rearing its ugly head - even when I should be happy with where I'm at right now. I know that depression doesn't just go away when something majorly positive happens, but I've been battling this since I was sixteen and I hate that it can still affect me when I least expect it. While I may be surprised that it's popped up lately, there are a few small things that have triggered me to be in a severely downcast mood. Family, friends, my feeling of self-worth being down in the gutter, my finances, and even the weather a little bit. They've all been this catalyst for the negativity to be clouding my brain. The self-worth aspect has been a major issue for me and will probably continue to do so- it's just a feeling of not being important to anyone, like if I disappeared that no one would care. I can have a whole group of people surround me and give me positivity + love in my life, but I still feel like I'm always being left out or forgotten. I'm not saying that I'm suicidal, I haven't tried anything for a very long time, but it's tough when you don't feel like you're being seen or heard. I hate that I'm saying this, but I ache and desperately need that sort of everyday validation or emotional connection. My thought process goes haywire when I don't receive that, but I think that is just a natural human emotion, if anything.

So, what can I do about it? There's the obvious answer - seeing a therapist - but I think that also opening this up for discussion could really be beneficial for myself and for others. Even typing this out has been a little therapeutic, which I definitely feel I (and others) should do so more often.
I won't let depression define or consume me. Hell, I can hide it very well in my day-to-day life and can surprise a lot of people when I disclaim that I'm suffering from it. After all these years, it's now gotten to the point that I can tell when a bout of negativity is going to flare up, but sometimes it is a guessing game. What or who is going to be the triggering point for it to start? Will it be myself and my inner thoughts, or an external source? I do go by the mantra though that it will eventually pass and I'll come out stronger on the other side. I just wish and hope that someday I'll constantly be able to be on that other side, stronger than ever.

If you're still with me on this long post, I appreciate it. I wouldn't normally write about something so personal on this blog, but I thought it'd be important to share this story with everyone. I know that some of the things I write about are a little superficial, there are so many other important things to talk about, but they are really what bring me joy and happiness. They spark my creativity and passion for something and you can't really deny anyone that.

If you are going through something similar - speak up! I'd love to hear about your strength and resilience going through such a tough mental illness. So I'll let this post sink in and will hopefully be start getting back into the swing of things soon. Enjoy this great outfit I put together with most items from Arc's Value Village (see my Instagram takeover I did two weekends ago) and a great top from Who What Wear x Target! See new posts next month.
Photos via Laura Posterick
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Always,
Mostly Lisa

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